May 10th, 2021, was the happiest day of my life, but later, a spiritual lesson. I fell in love with a boy and his name was Tony. Tony had buzzed brown hair, a scruffy neckbeard, beautiful brown eyes, almond shaped. He was 6’4, more or less, a bigger dude. I always called him my teddy bear. During sophomore year, we were best friends. He came to see me for my birthday, I was so nervous. Meanwhile, no one else cared that much. I never saw myself dating him, he wasn’t the usual person my heart desired. As we spent more time together, I started to fall in love. He would ask to come over and as he did, he met my mother. With her frail and cold hands, he shook them, but in a gentle comforting way. We sat in my bedroom, he taught me how to play blackjack. But he never just taught me how to play blackjack. Before this, he taught me how to live. He taught me how to repair the part of myself that I couldn’t. As he taught me many lessons, meanwhile I was addicted. I was addicted to the thought of someone else taking care of me. At last, I don’t have to do it anymore. 

But that's not important right now, I’m here to share our story. The current story of water and fire. Eventually, Tony and I continue to grow closer. On November 8th, 2021, my best friend Allie comes to me with good news. Allie has black hair, is 5’, brown eyes, hooded eyes with deep black eyeliner. “Bella, Tony told me he likes you,” Allie called me, so excited for me. Tony and she weren’t very close, but he would tell her things about me he couldn’t say to me. Tony was shy, but also outgoing when he was comfortable. As time passes we start growing together. We would go on hikes in the woods by my house, building teepees. We would hug on occasion, but he always knew about my boundaries. He never once overstepped them, as the people I trusted the most in my life did. He was the first man to make me feel comfortable. He treated me like a human being, not a body of flesh. I went over to his house for the first time, on December 5th, 2021. On our first “date” we watched “The Notebook”. We laid lay together as we cried, laughing that I had never once seen the movie and we were crybabies. His grandparents always used to tease me that I would cry over everything, especially the movie “Forest Gump”. I went home feeling euphoric, the feeling of wanting to be in his arms. As time passes, we call almost every night. We got to sit and laugh together. Staying up all hours of the night, not being able to wake up on time. 

December 7th, 2021, at 2 am, is currently a regular school night for us. Tony was online learning, I went in full-time. I never had the guts to ask him to be my boyfriend, but he gained the courage. My stepdad at the time worked at “Sal's Birdland” they have the best chicken. As I was talking about how I was craving chicken, I went on a rant about how my step stepfather works there. I could see his eyes widen on our face time call. “No way! Brian works at Sal's Birdland?” Tony said with excitement. As I gained the confidence and courage I jumped right up and said, “Maybe if we were official then I can get you a discount.” I smiled and laughed. He went silent, and the pits in my stomach started to turn. As I hear almost a faint whisper, he tells me, “You wanna make this official? I’ve liked you for so long now and I wanna be with you.”

My heart sank, and I felt relief, joy, and happiness. We started dating, and December 7th, 2021 was our anniversary date. He told me he loved me, but this was around the time he hurt me the most. 

Later on, I noticed many changes in Tony. He wasn’t loving me the way he did before. He was around people who weren’t serving his life purpose. As Tony couldn’t see it himself, he could only see one thing. That was finally leaving me. During the time of January, Tony admitted problems were going on that he wasn’t telling me about. As I found out later in life, he wasn’t just around bad friends, but the people he wanted approval from were hurting him. On January 21st, 2021, Tony left me. This was one of the hardest times for me, as we were with each other all the time. I had so much love for him. Maybe he left because I didn’t kiss him yet. Maybe he left because I was ugly. Maybe he left me because I wasn’t good enough. You’re going to live with every overwhelming thought in your head. But you have to start to learn to let yourself be sane.

As time flies by, months go on of us talking on and off, and he blocked me out of the blue. My heart sank once more. I had to move on though, I can’t be held back. Meanwhile, I continued to live, but there was a piece missing. I knew he was coming back to me, we were always going to find our way back to each other. As many people doubted us, it finally happened. “I miss you” on April 8th at 4:37, the message popped up. As I couldn’t see, I could feel his touch. I could feel his arms wrapping around my heart. Why do I feel so attracted to him? Why do we always end up together? 

May 10th, 2021, I’m coming home on the bus and he messaged me. “I miss you so much. Do you wanna come over today?” My heart lights up, with a blazing rush throughout my body. The sun hits my cheeks, and I can feel them starting to burn up. Of course, I wanna come over, and that's exactly what I did. Heartfelt conversations were made which led us to come back together. Our anniversary date, is May 10th, 2021. I was falling in love, the love was like bloodlust. I craved his attention and affection. As our relationship was healthy, there were some issues, and the downfall arose. Months go on with our relationship of him caring about me, and treating me better than anyone has. Washing my hair for me when I was too depressed to do it myself. Shaving my legs when I wasn’t able to. Making me breakfast in bed, and making a homemade heating pad when I would be on my period. Our love was so affectionate, we started to grow as people. At least that's what I thought.

   As he struggled with bipolar, there were many ups and downs. Tears and anxiety were constantly surrounding my mind. Flooding my head with the thoughts of needing to fix him, wanting to fix him. I gave him every possible word that could come out of my mouth. I was trying to fix his issues, putting my nose in his business. As he always told me he’s being safe, I always felt he was endangering himself. Getting buzzed every day because he couldn't handle the thoughts. The thoughts of isolation, always being alone, having nobody in your life. Why couldn’t he come to me anymore? Why does he isolate himself? As I was someone who didn’t love myself either, I projected the last bit of love onto him. I gave all of my love to him, I had none myself. 

Now how do I love him? You’re going to give up every inch of yourself to the person you love. You’re going to take care of him, even if you don’t do the same for yourself. You’re not going to give him space because why would you? He’s not doing well, you need to be the person there for him. No one else can do it, the world is on your shoulders. You’re the guardian angel, please, please universe. I need to fix him. Why isn’t this working? My body shut down, my mind closed off. The thoughts stopped. I don’t love myself anymore. Eventually, this led to me putting everything onto him. “Bella, you’re coming from a toxic household.” Okay, Tony will fix me. “Bella, you’re losing all your friends.” I don’t care, I have tony. “Bella, all you do is cry over Tony”. It’s okay, all relationships have ups and downs. “Bella, you’re physically killing yourself.” That’s okay, Tony still sees me as beautiful. I killed every inch of myself for the person I loved. I stopped taking care of myself. I stopped caring about what would happen to me. If I die, who cares? If I starve, who cares? No one would. I could only care about Tony.

Tony couldn’t handle it anymore, he had to leave, once more. I was broken. I couldn’t handle it, I couldn’t breathe. The times, the memories we shared. The nurturing love he shed on me, fell apart. The words that came out were, “If I can’t take care of myself, I can’t take care of you.” Tony kept repeating to me as I couldn’t understand. How could he do this to me? We’ve been together for a year, he’s throwing it all away. The promises he’s made, are gone. “But I’m getting better Tony, I promise I won’t put all my problems on you anymore.” The moonlight river flowing flowed out of my eyes. “I love you so much, it hurts me to see you cry. But I hate myself, I’m a failure. I had no goals and no dreams, you shouldn’t be with someone like that. You deserve to be taken care of.” The reassurance he gave me just wasn’t enough. 

   He promised to take me to prom, to take care of me. I didn’t understand why this was happening, why me? Why is this happening again? As I’ve been through before, it hurts 10 fold. The only promise he kept was to take me to prom. As he accompanied me to prom last May, he grabbed my hand and pulled me aside. “I don’t want this to be the end of our story, I believe it isn’t”. He wiped a tear from his cheek. He grabbed me to take slow dancing with, wiping the tears off my cheek. He grabs my hand, and kisses my cheek, “This hurts me so much more than you know. Everything reminds me of you.” I cried in his arms until the night ended.

    We never spoke much after prom, a few texts here and there. It felt like the end of a chapter, but not the end of the story. He was coming back eventually, once more. I felt it, but I can’t let this consume my future later on. I must figure out my life, as he figures out his. Every day passes by and I can feel the piece missing. Tony was the missing piece, I felt so empty. The emptiness consumed me all I was once again, a body of flesh. I was nothing, I had nothing. Nobody to turn to, no one to talk to when life was hard. No one to tell my accomplishments to. I had to let him go, once more. I swore that was the last time I’d think about him, but I couldn’t stop. Blood, sweat, and tears, constantly arise. To love someone like Tony, you must be committed to giving up everything to love someone. When two mentally ill people come together, it falls apart. You have to lose everybody in your life to be with that person.

As I lost everyone and everything, I continued to grow as a person. As my roots were destroyed, a flower was blooming. I got a scholarship to Keuka college for 22k annually. I applied to all my colleges, and I have my license, a car, and a decent-paying job, but I still didn’t have Tony. I believed I finally let him go. I was ready to move on with my life. As I believed we were going to be together again, I let go of the thought. October 25th, 2022, 1 am, “I’m ready to let him go, but I feel so held back.” I was talking to myself, as I could feel the heat rushing through my body. I didn’t think as much as I normally would’ve.

  I should’ve listened to my gut as I normally would. But because of what happened I never saw it coming. October 25th, a message popped up. “Tony added you back on the snap. Say hi!” I couldn’t cry, only laugh at the thought. Maybe I was so sleep deprived sleep-deprived that I saw the illusion of him coming back. I wasn’t crazy, it was true. This story wasn’t supposed to end like this, but it did. “Hey, how have you been?” I laughed as my hands started shaking. I can feel my hands getting sweatier. I rush to my car and another message pops up. “I know you probably don’t wanna talk to me, but I’d like to talk when you get the chance. I get off work tonight at 9.” Every inch of my body just wanted to spill my feelings, telling him how much I missed and loved him. The universe blessed me when I didn’t look for answers. 

That night we had our talk, and it was so fulfilling. He graced me with his tone and his actions. “Everything reminds me of you. I missed your voice, I missed you.” Those words he told me that night, continued to stick with me. As I never expected my story to end this way, it ended in a way of beauty. You learn that you won’t set expectations for someone else who isn’t mentally okay. In the meantime, where I learned to love and grow, and eventually, he came back. What is meant to be, will be. What is not, it was a spiritual lesson. We always came back to each other, with doubt or hesitation. He was my reason for living at the time, but I finally have found my reason. I wanted to live on my behalf, not for someone else.

If there’s something ever holding you back, think of me. In the end, think of the battles I faced. The time when I couldn’t take care of myself. The times I didn’t want to live anymore, and I wanted him to be the last person standing. He mattered and I was nothing. Think of the time when I was caught up with my skin and bones and I started becoming a skeleton. No flesh, no mind, no purpose. The only purpose was to love him the way he couldn’t be loved. Everything happens for a reason, just as the stars all have meaning. I still love you, I want us to grow. Wait for the future and see the glow. See how everything blooms, just as he shaped me.